The holidays have come and gone and after taking some time away to work on my growth and personal development, I'm back to share my thoughts as well as some lessons that I've been learning over the past year.
But before we get into all that, I'd like to preface this by saying that the healing journey never really ends, and we should never stop learning and growing. There's no glass ceiling when it comes to personal development imo and far be it from me to tell anyone how to live their lives or what to do. My opinions are just that, and are solely based off of my own journey and personal experiences. So, please keep that in mind while reading this. I would also never claim to be completely healed or to know more than anyone else. In fact, I've learned some of my greatest lessons from others and I believe that we are all able to learn from one another no matter our status, profession or way of life.
So, back in September/October after launching the website, things started to shift and I started to feel a bit more confident in both my creative and business endeavours. And just when I was getting into the swing of things, I got put right back into hermit mode. Which tbh, almost put me into a depression. It’s not that I don't enjoy my periods of growth and introspection, I just feel like I spend more time ascending and expanding than actually living out my purpose. I wanted so badly to be able to be more proactive and at the same time, simply enjoy life more.
But role here requires me to go into these deep introspective states for long periods of time and part of my human design as a Reflector is the ability to empty myself completely so that others may see themselves clearly in me. This is something that's been happening to me over the course of many years. So it’s not something new but it has put me in a position where, I’m finally beginning to understand my calling and my mission here. It’s also helped me learn the art of loving detachment, how to put my personal feelings aside in matters, especially with clients and to also trust my intuition more.
So the Gregorian New Year came and as per usual, I wasn't feeling the whole New Year, New Me, at least not right away. So much has changed within me and there's always a period of adjustment or integration of energy as you expand and as your gifts develop. The more ego-identity and projections we shed the clearer the picture, the lighter we become, right? But, this also meant that people couldn't project onto, manipulate or gaslight me without me seeing right through it. And anyone who tried to, found out pretty quickly that I don't tolerate that under any circumstances.
Now, I've always been extremely sensitive to energy and have been working on my psychic development for some time but the things that I pick up on can sometimes get overwhelming for me. So learning about energetic boundaries and knowing my limits has been a major lesson this season. For example, the collective grief of the L.A fires as well as the anger over Palestine had me in self care mode for days just transmuting it all and trying not to take on what I was picking up. Seeing the posts online can be overwhelming.
To those who are not afraid to witness and who help to transmute the collective shadow, I applaud you. That shit is not for the faint of heart.
And even after all this time as an energy worker I still have days when it's hard to decipher what's mine and what's other people's. That's something I wish more people understood about empathic or highly sensitive people, a lot of us go our whole lives without realizing that we're doing this and just walk around wondering why we feel overwhelmed, anxious, tired and burnt out all the time. Learning how to separate what's ours and what is the collectives or other peoples is crucial! I sometimes still find myself posting things and afterwards I'll look at it and go, ‘wait... that's not my energy!’ Sometimes I will say or post things unconsciously and it will be a message that someone else needs to hear but I don't realize it until afterwards.
My ability to alchemize energy has begun to speed up as well. What used to take weeks for me to transmute/alchemize now takes days. The process becomes easier the more you do it, like any other skill or craft I suppose.
My clairaudience has also heightened as I've recently started to be able to hear when others are talking about me and not just intuitive messages anymore. Yes, I know how that sounds and no, I will not elaborate. I actually hear things so clearly sometimes that it scares me. But this ended up preventing me from speaking my truth and allowing myself to fully be seen. I mean, who wants to hear what everyone is saying about them or what they're posting? So, I just stopped showing up. This made me go within because I realized it wasn't really about what other people were saying. I mean, people are going to say what they will either way. But it triggered my old coping mechanisms of shutting down, hiding away, not letting myself be seen to keep the peace and because that's what's always been easier.
But then, it hit me. This has literally been happening to me my entire life! Even as a child I dealt with friends who I would see over the weekend , we would hang out, everything would be fine and then come Monday they wouldn't talk to me. They would talk behind my back to each other, pretend that I didn't exist or try to bully me and I never understood why. All I ever did was be myself and I was hated for it. It would appear that, some things never change. But I did. I learned that it was my gifts that irritated them. They had never met someone like me. They didn't like how I was able to see right into/through them, my maturity even at such a young age, and my Aquarian need to call things as I see them. But as a child, I didn't understand that. All I wanted was to be accepted and to fit in. This is how I learned to hide who I really was and being faced with that same situation recently, I decided that enough was enough. I won't hide who I am any longer to fit in. I won't dim my light to make others comfortable. I won't water down my voice or placate people for the sake of getting along. I understand that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine because I don't want to be.
So, I had the time to make some very important decisions on how I was going to proceed in life, professionally or otherwise including, how I show up in the world.
Authenticity has always been a priority for me but I've realized there are levels to it. And as humans, we are always changing and evolving. So, what may have felt authentic to me six months ago may not necessarily resonate with who I am now. This isn't to say that having a rooted sense of self isn't important. I think we should all know who we are and what we stand for while also keeping an open mind and being teachable, and adaptable in this ever-changing world. But there is a quiet confidence that comes along with being so rooted within your being that I can now admit, I was lacking before. Over the past few months, I found myself in situations that tested this. Situations that tested my patience, my morals and values and even my self-respect. Situations that forced me to take a good, hard look at how I was still not showing up for myself fully and addressing/approaching things in old ways. Of course, learning new coping mechanisms and life skills takes practice and time but half the battle is being able to admit to ourselves that there's room for improvement without judging ourselves too harshly if/when we don't get it right.
So many cycles have ended in my life and I could feel it happening. The shift was undeniable and I felt that everything was happening exactly the way it was supposed to but also like I had no choice in the matter. Whether it was divine intervention or something more astrological I had to let go of a lot of things that just weren't serving me anymore. Letting go is hard, but so is continuing to put time and energy into things that don't make us feel good or that don't resonate with us anymore. Whether that's an aspect of self, a long held belief or behaviour, job etc change is never easy. Especially if you have a lot of fixed energy like I do.
One of the main themes that’s been highlighted over the past few months was my interpersonal relationships. For example, how I show up in them as well as what my needs, standards, boundaries and deal breakers are. It’s not so much that these things have changed but that I’m able to speak up and enforce them now that I’m not worried about how others will respond to them. There's a sense of freedom that I now feel because I no longer shy away from conflict or feel the need to compromise when it comes to who/what is healthy for me and what I will and will not tolerate. The days of agreeing to things that I'm not okay with, allowing people to overstep boundaries and letting things slide that directly affect me, are now over. And even if I didn't voice this per se, those around me could feel the shift in my energy and I think that's more important. I think our energy should always speak for itself because at the end of the day, energy never lies but people do.
I also started on some deeper healing work of my sacral chakra and while working on it I had some past trauma and a lot of stuck emotions that I'd been holding onto come up. I realized how these things had been affecting me, not just within my personal relationships but also my overall womb and reproductive health.
So many different and difficult emotions came up to be witnessed. I’ve been working to release the energies through various forms of healing modalities including somatic exercises, journaling, meditation, yoga, etc. and strangely enough, you know what the hardest part is? Just sitting with all the emotions that come up without feeling the need to attach to, judge, deny, or project whatever it is that we're feeling. Being able to take full responsibility and control over how we feel without feeling the need to explain or justify things requires a level of maturity that I hadn't been able to fully understand before.
Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't stand up for ourselves or speak up when/if we're violated, hurt or abused. Sacred Rage exists for a reason. But when we're able to express without feeling the need to harbour, blame or lash out, well, that requires a level of self control/mastery and awareness that can only be built over time.
So here is what I've been learning as I heal my sacral chakra:
-it's not my job to take on, manage or deal with the emotions, problems or burdens of others
-I don't have to hold back on speaking how I feel to make others comfortable or deny my feelings because when I do that, I'm only hurting myself and damaging my nervous system
-no one is entitled to know how I feel nor do I have to explain how I feel to anyone.
-my feelings are valid and I allow myself to experience the full range of my emotions without judgment or shame
-Sexual energy is creation energy and can be used in ways to improve our overall enjoyment of life, in creating our reality and to ascend, spiritually.
-Unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance. I learned that I can unconditionally love others from a distance and at the same time, protect myself and my well being without compromising my integrity, standards or boundaries
-how to hold space for others and their feelings/emotions and experiences without self-sacrificing or self-abandoning in the process
-Loving people exactly as they are, without making excuses for or feeling the need to rescue, change or save them gives them the opportunity for growth without putting the extra pressure of any expectations we may have of them
AND
here's more random things that came up for me during this time. Let me know if anything resonates by leaving a comment below!
-keeping things private is best
-not everything deserves a reaction/response
-self worth and self respect will save you every time
-it’s okay to distance ourselves from people who live in survival mode in order to protect ourselves
-knowing that we're loved and feeling loved are two very different things
-you can have compassion and still refuse to put up with someone else's unhealthy behaviour
-putting myself first isn't selfish. The more I pour into me, the more I can show up for others.
-no more over-extending, saving, rescuing, runner-chaser/push-pull dynamics or staying in toxic, unhealthy cycles
-staying really honest with myself about what is mine to take on and what's not -energetic boundaries-
-nothing is personal, only vibrational.
-truly powerful people don't go around telling people how powerful they are
Wow, that kind of is a lot when you look at it.
All I know is, I am not the same woman I was.
I'm more secure both in who I am as a person and as a woman; in my calling, in my gifts and abilities and in what I bring to the table and the collective.
My Ancestors have been watching and working with me closely, helping me to embody my divine feminine energy and guiding me in both the healing and strengthening of my bloodline.
The Goddesses call to me. Freyja, Isis, Kali, Sekhmet. I'm learning how to embrace the Dark Feminine without losing my nurturing and compassionate nature. They taught me how to be assertive without demeaning, emasculating or criticizing the masculine, which is something the women in my family are known for. My mother once said to me, 'you can't be charming every day, Melissa.' and she's right but it's never okay to be cruel.
The timelines start to blur and I feel more whole as I recall my soul fragments and awaken more past life memories and abilities.
It's a new era of me and I look forward to showcasing to the world who and what I am, in my fullness regardless of how that makes others feel.
If I had a New Year's resolution it would be to show up as my most authentic self and to allow myself to be witnessed even in my messiness and without fear or the need to feel seen. There's so much freedom in knowing that there's no need to compete with anyone, there's nothing to prove and no one to perform for. I just have to show up as me, as much as I can be myself. I now know that it's okay for me to take up space. I deserve to be here just like everyone else and I encourage anyone who reads this to show up as their most authentic self in 2025 whatever that may look like. Because how will the right ones know where to find me if I’m not out here broadcasting my unique energy signature? How will the other weirdos know where to find me? XD
If you've made it this far, I appreciate you 💜
here's to another year of learning, being and believing with a little bit of rebellion mixed in. Just to keep things spicy.
M🌹
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