My anxiety is at it again. Some will call it perfectionism but the word itself doesn't make sense, does it? The whole idea of striving to be perfect. Perfectionism is a form of obsessive compulsive behaviour that's rooted in anxiety. This has been coming up into my awareness lately as I ease into feeling more comfortable with speaking my truth, showing up more authentically and stepping out of my comfort zone. I've never been this version of myself before and yet, I'm more me than I've ever been.
The idea of having to be perfect started in childhood. When I was a child, my father taught me that if you weren't naturally good at something, then you shouldn't do it. He didn't believe in progress or getting better at something through repetition. Things were very black and white in his world. You were either good at something, or you weren't. You knew what you were doing and/or talking about, or you didn't. There was no in-between and definitely no room for error. Praise was rarely given but the criticism was plenty. I always felt like I was letting him down. He never seemed to be happy or proud of me no matter what I did, or at least that's how I felt. This put a lot of pressure on me as a child and ultimately turned me into an anxious, people pleasing, overachiever.
As I grew older, I started to notice this same pattern showing up in multiple areas of my life and especially within my close relationships. I would choose and attract friends and partners who couldn't show up for or support me in the ways I needed because that's what felt familiar. My daddy issues had turned into constantly feeling the need to prove myself and my worthiness to others in order to gain what I was looking for, but to no avail. This also left me with an unrealistic expectation of what it meant to be an ideal friend and partner and without a healthy example of what that even looked like. I began to believe that I just wasn't good or worthy enough. I would constantly apologize for even the slightest mistakes. I always thought people were mad at me and I overextended myself to be chosen or liked by others. Approval came from outside sources when the only approval I ever needed was from myself.
As I stated earlier, this has been coming up a lot for me lately as I begin this new adventure of stepping further into my mission and purpose here and expressing myself in ways that feel, foreign and new. The fearful thoughts will start to creep in of 'what if people don't like me? What if they don't like what I do? Should I have said or done this differently? And then I start to spiral. My anxiety gets worse and I start overthinking things. Even the tiniest mistake like wording something wrong or making a spelling mistake on a post will feel like the end of the world. When, in reality, no one cares or even pays much attention to that kind of stuff. I remind myself that people, myself included, are just moving through life and doing the best they can and the fear of being judged or criticized starts to subside. And, anyone who really knows me will tell you that I stopped caring about what other people think of me a long time ago. But the old fears and patterns will pop up from time to time. I can still hear my father's voice sometimes telling me that I'm not doing this or that right, when, my father, (may he R.I.P) probably wouldn't even know about or understand what it is that I do.
The opinions of others only hold the weight that we give them. I'm finally starting to be okay with the notion that I will never be perfect because perfection does not exist and trying to live up to that expectation only sets me up for failure and exacerbates my anxiety. Making mistakes is a normal part of life and how we learn. I am actively and consistently letting go of any shame I used to feel or carry surrounding not being perfect. I silence the hypercritical voice in my head and forgive myself for any past mistakes or perceived shortcomings. I'm no longer the person I was taught to be. I don't need to constantly strive, people please, overextend or overachieve. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I understand now more than ever that I am inherently lovable, worthy and enough just as I am. I always was, and no one and nothing can ever take that away from me.
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